I am actually starting this journal a little late

I am actually starting this journal (and webpage) a little late- 10/9/2004. I wish I would have had the energy to begin it sooner, but being PG has not been easy for me. I'm back tracking though.... and starting at the beginning of the story.

I felt terrible. Horrible PMS, or so I thought. AF was late, so I wanted her to hurry up and get it over with!

I began to wonder what was going on. The thought "could I be pregnant?" crossed my mind a few times. I had one test in my nightstand from a 2 pack that I had purchased a few months ago. I almost took a test that night, but decided to wait. I vividly remember going to the bathroom and thinking I could take a test right now, and what would my reaction be. I decided I'd wait a few more days and if AF still hadn't arrived, then I'd test. Why waste a test now, because I didn't think that I could possibly be PG. We were going to Disney World the next week, and I just couldn't be.

I woke up before my alarm went off and my first thoughts were regarding testing again. By the time I put my feet on the tile floor, I had made up my mind to do it. I figured I'd take it, it would be negative, and it was no big deal to just buy another test. After all, it was a cheap test anyway. I dug out the box and headed to the bathroom. Peed on the little stick thingy and watched as the first dark pink control line appeared. Ok so the test was working. Before the first line had filled in completely, the SECOND line had already begun to appear. I sat on the toilet staring at those two pink lines for the longest time. Oh. My. God. I kept repeating over and over. I'm pregnant?? I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel any different. Could it really be?? I'm really pregnant?!?! I was in a daze, but somehow I managed to collect my thoughts and get dressed for work. I hurriedly scanned the positive test and emailed it to myself. I spent my commute wondering what have we done. Thinking about how our lives were going to change. Were we ready for this?? I was in shock.

I sat at my desk staring at the emailed picture of a positive HPT for the longest time. Excited, confused, terrified! How should I tell Clint? Should I call him now? Should I run to the dollar store after work and buy a baby "something" and give it to him that night? After about an hour and a half, I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to call him. I asked him if he had his email open, he said yes. So I told him I was sending him a picture of something and I wanted him to look at it and tell me what he thought. Silence for a few seconds while he figured out what he was looking at. Then he grunted in shock.. disbelief! We're having a baby!! I told him not to tell anyone just yet because it was still early, and I wanted to see my doctor to be sure. I called my doctor's office and told them what I needed, and they could see me that afternoon.

Next was my parents. My mom had been waiting for this day since I was about 20 years old! I couldn't keep it a secret from her either. We had a running "joke" about my parents moving closer to us whenever I had a baby. I go to my mom's for lunch every day. I walked in and she's babbling about ordinary stuff and I never heard a word she said. First chance I got, I asked "Momma are you ready to move to Bayou Blue?" She didn't hear me and kept talking about whatever it was she was harping on. So I said a little louder, "Momma listen... are you ready to move to Bayou Blue?" It took her all of 5 seconds to realize what I meant before practically yelling "Are you pregnant? Melanie are you PREGNANT?!!!!" And I said yes I think so, I took a test, and I was going to the doctor that afternoon. She flew to the phone and called 3-4 people right away to tell them the good news!

Now my dad drives up and I had no idea what to say to him. He went around to the back door to come in, so I met him at the door and just said "Hey Grandpa." He laughed his usual laugh and said "What I look like an old grandpa?" And I said "Well you're gonna be one." He looked at me in disbelief "What? for true?" And I think he thought I was pulling his leg. I told him it was true, the test I took said so and I was going to the doctor later on.

At the doctor's office I gave a urine sample, which they did another test on. Positive!! They were slow so they did and ultrasound, but it was much too early to see anything. I talked to the nurse about our Disney trip, and she said it was fine. It was just best to avoid anything that would jerk me around too much, but generally in the first trimester you can keep your normal activity level.

We're off to Florida! First stop - Pensacola for a wedding. Next stop - Disney World!

On what was supposed to be our first day at Disney, we spent most of the day in the ER. I started spotting. It was just a tiny bit, but it freaked me out. I cried and cried. The hospital did every test imaginable - blood work, ultrasounds. About six hours later we were told they couldn't find anything wrong. They were not able to find a heartbeat, but it was still very early and that was probably normal. My bloodwork was right where it needed to be. I was put on pelvic rest, meaning no walking!! We had to rent a wheelchair for the parks, but that turned out to be a blessing in disguise. We didn't wait in any lines!!!

Morning sickness started to set in. Although it wasn't in the morning - it was an all day nauseated feeling. We bought some sea bands for me to try out. Nothing helped much, but I did my best to hang in there and kept vacationing.

Back home... Followed up with my doctor today and got to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor!!! It's just a tiny tiny peanut, but you could see the heart beating strong.

Spotting again. This time more than before. I called my doctor and they said to come in right away. There really wasn't anything they could do, but my doctor talked to me for a good while about what could be happening. Bleeding early on is very common, and she said it happens to lots of women and they have healthy babies. She put me on bed rest. I could get up to eat or go to the bathroom, but no walking around the mall or anything like that. Clint is in Houston and was in a bad car accident a few days ago, so I'm really stressed. That could be part of it.

It happened again. I had a regular OB appointment, and everything was fine. I had been throwing up all day for days, so the nurse practitioner gave me a prescription for Phenegren. Clint went with me since he took off work to stay home with me. I took the first dose when we got back and laid down for a little while. I got up to use the bathroom and felt something leaking... spotting again. *sigh* I was at the sink when Clint came to ask me something, and I told him it was happening again. Just as I said that, I felt more... and went to the bathroom to find bright.red.blood. Lots of it. Clint called my doctor's office and they said to go to the ER. We spent another 4 hours there. They had to cath me before the ultrasound for some reason which was the most horrible thing ever. But there on the screen was the heart beating at 192 beats per min. And the tech said the baby was the size it should be. They sent me home and told me to follow up with my doctor the next day.

Back to the doctor this morning. She did an exam and said everything was shut tight, so the blood wasn't coming from the uterus. Perhaps it was my cervix, perhaps from all the vomiting... maybe a blood vessel burst. She gave me a hormone supplement, and also some thyroid medicine because I was borderline hypothyroid. I had to stay on bed rest for the remainder of the week also. My mom came to stay with us so Clint could go back to work

Almost 13 weeks along now - 2nd trimester!! I got to hear the baby's heartbeat today!!! I laughed and laughed... I had to force myself to be quiet so I could hear it. It was the neatest thing!!! I've been going to the doctor every 2 weeks, and will continue to until closer to the end of my pregnancy. She wants to keep a close eye on me since I had so many problems. I'm still horribly sick, usually at night. Nothing seems to help the nausea. It's so hard working all day feeling awful, driving feeling awful, not being able to do anything around the house because I feel so awful. It's wearing me down. I feel horrible. I wish I could enjoy being PG. There's nothing that describes morning sickness. I have a constant lump in my throat giving me a gagging feeling. A horrible taste in my mouth. If I don't eat, I feel sick. If I do eat, I feel sick. I can't go anywhere because doing anything makes me feel sick. Miserable.

I rented a doppler today so we could listen to the heart beat whenever we wanted. Clint was able to find it on his first try. It's comforting to hear that "galloping" sound because I know Baby G is doing all right in there. I'm still sick, but I have had a few good days. If I only throw up once, that's a good day!!! It's wearing me down though - physically and emotionally. It's hard feeling like this. I'm neglecting my house - my husband. I just want to cry all the time because I'm so tired of feeling bad. I want to enjoy being pregnant. It's supposed to be such an exciting time and I'm miserable. All I do is complain, throw up, and cry.

I *think* I felt the baby today. I have been feeling 'bubbles' for a while, but it's hard to tell if it's gas or what. Today I was resting on my mom's couch at lunch and I'm almost positive I felt a little poke. I waited, but it didn't happen again.

It's definitely the baby!! Clint felt a kick too. We were sitting on the couch and I felt a movement, so I placed my hand on my belly. Sure enough, I felt a definite jab. Clint put his hand there and he felt it too. Hello little baby!!!

BIG ULTRASOUND DAY!!!!! Week 20!! I was nervous! I made sure to eat some sugar so Baby G would be awake and moving. Clint and my mom went with me. The u/s tech did her thing while we watched on the screen. I kept saying we wanted to know what it was... and the u/s tech danced around the subject by asking what did we prefer - a boy or a girl? Either one - I'd be happy either way. My mom was starting to pout saying we wouldn't be able to find out. And I said that I bet the tech knows already.... and she said she did. And I had to ask what is it?! And she whispered "a girl". And I laughed and cried!!! A GIRL! We're having a GIRL!!!!!!! Valerie Nicol. And she pointed out the girly parts on the screen. I told my mom now she could buy the pink stuff she had been looking at, and she said she already had some! *LOL* Oh and finally, I'm feeling human again. Still sick off and on, but now mostly just tired.

Wow, 29 weeks along... going on 30!!! It's hard to believe how fast time has gone by, but yet the road ahead seems never ending. *getting nervous* Are we ready for this? Can we handle a baby? What if we have a fussy baby??? Am I gonna be a good momma?? Me a MOMMA??! I'm terrified! But I can't wait to meet her... see her tiny face and tiny hands and feet. I know we'll adjust. It'll be hard at first, but we'll get through it. I am feeling much better these days. Every now and then I'll have a sick day, but lately I've felt better than I have the entire pregnancy. I'm feeling *huge* and unbalanced though. It's hard to get comfortable at night, and getting up from laying down is a struggle. I think I'm starting to wobble. And Oh I'm So Tired. I have never been so tired in all of my life. Grocery shopping for an hour wears me out completely. Val is a mover and she's always kicking, rolling, or poking me. It seems she never sleeps!

The nursery is almost finished and I love how it looks. It's so cute! We took the baptisimal seminar required by our church to have her baptized after she's born. We're in the middle of childbirth classes at the hospital. It's interesting, and I'm glad we are going. Even if I learn one thing from the class it will be worth the $40. So far the best class was the hospital tour. There were eight babies in the nursery. Eight tiny babies! It really made me wonder what are we going to do with something so little??

I have a strange feeling that part of me will miss being pregnant. Weird, considering how miserable I've been for 7 months. All I have done is complain. It's hard, at least for me it has been. I was sick for so long. A person can only take so much before reaching their breaking point. I cried many tears just because I felt so awful! Physically and emotionally. At the same time, it's an amazing experience. To know that we created a life, to feel those kicks and pokes, and know that's a *baby*. Our baby. She's part of Clint and part of me. When you think about how all of that works - life is just so mysterious.

Happy Halloween! I really wanted to dress up this year, but I didn't get a costume together. I wanted to paint my belly like a pumpkin or an eyeball that peeked out of an unbuttoned shirt. Hee hee.

I had my baby shower last weekend. People are SO generous. I can't believe how much stuff we got for Valerie at such a small shower. Wow. It is going to help us out a lot. So far the only thing we've had to buy was crib bedding and I bought a few clothes. They are giving me a shower at work at the end of November too.

I'm having braxton hicks like crazy. I find the more active I am the worse they get. My doc told me to just stop what I was doing, lie down, and start timing them when that happened. So far they are very erratic, but still I worry. It's much too early for her to come.

Almost 31 weeks now. I feel HUGE. Literally I've doubled in size in the last 5 weeks. I can only imagine how I will feel in another 2 months. It seems everyone has stories of "girls" turning out to be "boys" when they are born. From what we saw, this baby is a GIRL. I guess it could be wrong as anything is possible. I sure hope not because of all the PINK stuff we have. I'm sure we'd survive if she did turn out to be a he though. Shocked, but we'll be all right. As long as it's a healthy baby!

I think I felt a foot today. As I was sitting at my desk, I kept feeling an owww in the same spot. I knew it was the baby moving, and I tried to just ignore it. She kept on.. it was a pushing skin stretching ow. I finally put my hand where it hurt and I felt a tiny bony "thing"pushing outward. Had to be a foot! How weird!! But so neat! I think I scared her though because the second I touched my stomach she jerked away. I guess she wasn't expecting to find a "thing" pushing inward!!

33 weeks tomorrow!! Time is going by so fast, yet so slow. I hope baby Valerie gets in the right position soon. At my last appointment she was head down, but laying diagonal. I swear she turned afterwards and was transverse for a while. I'm not sure how she is now, but I keep telling her "head down, Valerie!!" just in case. I'm terrified that I'll end up with a c-section. I know there are worse things, but it's one I'd like to avoid if at all possible. I'll be full term in just a couple of weeks. Yikes. I'm ready.... but at the same time so NOT ready for this.

This weekend I think I am going to start washing baby things. I need to start thinking about packing my hospital bag also. It's that close. Really.

Going on 35 weeks. I'm sick. :-( Really sick. Sore throat, stuffy, gagging... That's all I can say right now.

Still sick. Coughing, congested, runny nose... yuck. It's bad enough being sick, but being PG and sick is so much worse! There isn't much medicine I can take. I caved and took some Sudafed. It didn't do much. I'm trying to stick to cough drops and steam to clear my head. I don't wanna be sick for Thanksgiving. :-( Last Christmas I was sick. Christmas before THAT I was sick. THIS year I'll still be PG or in the hospital... so I don't want to feel bad for Turkey Day too. Not fair.

The women at work gave me a baby shower last Friday!! It wasn't a surprise because they wanted to be sure I wasn't sick or had an appointment that day. I'm so amazed at how generous people are. I was in such shock at all the NICE things I got. They collected money and bought us quite a few of the big things, and some of the girls got me gifts on their own. It was all things we needed and can use. I was really surprised because I never expected to get so much. Most of my "family" won't even acknowledge this baby, but these work acquaintances went all out. The only big thing we need to buy ourselves is a stroller.

36 weeks... full term!!! C'mon out Valerie.... Had a doctor's appointment this morning and they did and ultrasound. She is so scrunched up in there! Her estimated weight was 7 lbs oz, with a 1 lb margin of error. Hopefully she's closer to 6 lbs... but still with 4 weeks to go, she's only gonna get bigger. No wonder it hurts so much when she starts kicking and rolling. I got to see her sweet little face, hands, feet, and an ear! The tech said she even has a little bit of hair. Awwww. It's so unreal to think there's a full grown baby inside of me. I hope she comes before Christmas. I really do. The past few days have been really rough. I just don't feel good. Killer heartburn. I'm so tired. I have never been this tired before. Just thinking about all the things I want to do exhausts me. Getting up, getting dressed, and fixing breakfast wears me out completely. I feel huge and unbalanced. Emotionally unstable. There's so many things I want to do, but it's physically impossible. I just can't go like I used to. I know these last few weeks are going to be really hard, but it's impossible to prepare myself for it. Being pregnant has been exciting and interesting, but I'm ready for it to be over. Baby Valerie, please come before Christmas!!!

So miserable. :-( Baby is head down, really low, and in position. That's about it for progress.

Today was my last day of work. 6 weeks paid maternity leave!! I worked as long as I could. It was just getting too hard to make the drive, sit at my desk all day, and drive home. I've been so exhausted. Hopefully having a little time at home before the baby comes will help me catch up on my rest.

I'm so ready to have this baby. Yesterday there was no change - still not dilated any. She's got to come soon. There's no room left.

To my daughter:

Today I am 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant with you. I place my hands on my swollen belly to feel your swift kicks and punches as I try to identify your body parts through my skin. Some of them hurt, but I smile and each movement comforts me. Any day now you will be born into this world, and I will never again feel the power of your life with in me. That makes me sad in a way. I won’t lie and say it has been an easy pregnancy because it has been hard physically and emotionally! It is still amazing though. Life is a miracle and one day you will hopefully experience it for yourself. The feeling of a tiny person growing inside of you is indescribable. Your dad and I are so anxious to see you!! I can’t wait to see your tiny hands and feet to compare them to mine. I’ve often wondered who will you look like. Will you have blonde hair like mine when I was little? Blue eyes? Brown eyes? Will you be tall or short? What kind of person will you grow to be? I only hope I have what it takes to be a good Mother. I may not always know the answers, but I promise you I will do my best to guide you and teach you all that I can. Your Dad and I will love you very much and we promise to give you the best life we can.

We had a trial run to Labor & Delivery today. I had my 38 week regular appointment at 11:00 this morning. STILL no change. Baby is really low, but I'm not dilated at all. Zero!! They decided to do a non stress test to see if I was having contractions and check on the baby. I am having small contractions (I knew that!), but there were a few dips in the baby's heartbeat. Nothing severe, but enough for concern, so off to L&D we went. First we rushed home and tossed the bags in the car "just in case". I spent 4 hours lying in a hospital bed hooked up to the monitor. Contractions were 2-4 minutes apart, and baby's heartbeat was just fine. The nurse said the dips were possibly related to her movement, especially since she seems to be extremely active. Finally about 5:00 we were given the okay to go home. I was starving so we hit LaCasa for dinner AND got ice cream after that!!

I'm so ready for this to be over and really begin. I want to be my old self again. I'm so huge and I can't hardly do anything. I'm tired and short of breath just walking around. My back hurts, my feet swell, my hips hurt... I was a little freaked out when they sent me to the hospital today. I think my first thoughts were "Umm I could have this baby today? We're not ready!!" But we are.... as ready as we're gonna be.